You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
