i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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