OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you had me at cake vodka
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
