someone get that fucking seahorse.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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