i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
