I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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