also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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