DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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