Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
