I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
