I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
