So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
