are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
