Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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