my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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