meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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