the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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