She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
