what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
