Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
