this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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