dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
