The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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