I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
