I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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