Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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