my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
