I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If I die, sorry about rent.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
