OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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