respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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