Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
