you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
