1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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