I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
