how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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