o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
