I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
