Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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