im six kinds of drunk right now
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
