Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
