We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
