Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
