I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
