I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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