Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
