it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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