Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We have so much sex to catch up on
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
