Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he puts the penis in happiness.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
