eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
