is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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