i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
