How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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