I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
