woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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