I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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