My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
