just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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